Post #28 -- Anchored in Jesus (Part 2)

In my last post, I shared about the intense grief we experienced after the untimely death of our grandson and of the feeling of living in a fog while experiencing a sense of disconnectedness from God.  But I also shared how God revealed a key verse that has been a source of great comfort and stability for us and has become our banner verse as we’ve sought to make sense out of this tragic loss of life — Hebrews 6:18b-19.  

 

“Therefore, we who have fled to Him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us.  This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls.”  (Hebrews 6:18b-19 NLT)

This verse will be the common thread woven throughout what follows.  

The fateful crash that took our grandson’s life occurred on December 11, 2022.  We are now in Florida, over two months since that date, where we can take the necessary time to talk, pray, reflect, grieve, and try to make sense out of what has happened — and seek to learn whatever God wants to teach us through this.  During this grieving process, I’m doing what I usually do in times of distress — I turn to God’s Word and carefully study my devotional journal entries while I listen to the Holy Spirit for possible insights.

The purpose of this post is to do just that — to search for answers in the journal entries I made during this period of time.  I quickly add that those journal entries were made privately with no thought of revealing them like this.  I also quickly add that I’m well aware that each of us faces different crises and processes the related grief differently — whether it be a family crisis of some sort or a business or health-related crisis.  What I share here is simply our story.  But my prayer is that sharing our experience will somehow be of benefit to someone else.

As I review my journal, I’m sensing there are some important life lessons to be learned here and I’m inviting you to explore them with me — starting several weeks before that fateful crash.  Here are several very brief representative verbatim entries in that journal.

• “Thanks, Lord, for the confident hope I have (Eph 1:18) and that I can come boldly and confidently into your presence.” (Eph. 3:12)
• “Thanks, Lord, for the hope I have in you — hope that is a strong and trustworthy anchor for my soul.”  (Hebrews 6:18-19)  [Actually this verse came up twice.  At this point I had not yet fully realized the potential of this verse.  But God was preparing me.]
• “Lord, you are my refuge and my shield; your Word is my source of hope.”  (Ps 119:114)
• “I am so grateful for that great peace and because of that, nothing will cause me to stumble.” (Ps 119:165)
• “Oh to be filled with faith and love as Paul experienced.  Faith that God’s promises will be fulfilled. Faith that I am protected as I minister to our family and friends.  Love that supersedes the agony of labored breathing.” ( 1 Tim 1:14)
• “The Psalmist says he will sing to the Lord as long as he lives and will praise his God to his last breath.  This is also my determined commitment to God and my desire to be praising Him to my last breath.” (Ps 104:35)
• “Lord, I thank you that my soul can constantly be renewed, revived, refreshed, and restored, regardless of how my body is feeling or what I encounter in life.”  (2 Cor 4:16)

These encouraging comments from God’s Word were all written before the storm that was about to disrupt our lives.  I am amazed to see how often the subjects of hope, deep faith, and the need to trust the shield and refuge we have in Jesus were mentioned.  In retrospect, it certainly seems that God was preparing us for that coming storm — helping me to deeply appreciate the ANCHOR we have in Jesus.

But then the tenor of my journal entries changed quite drastically as I attempted to capture some of my grieving thoughts and feelings, albeit in a somewhat fragmented and incoherent manner.  Here’s a sampling representative of those entries:

• “Strange, I’m having trouble concentrating — even praying.  I am so glad for the assurance that the Holy Spirit is praying for me on my behalf.  God, I need to go to that place of quiet retreat.  Please be the wrap-around presence and our shield that you promised.” [I was referring there to Psalm 119:114 TPT.]
• “God, this is a difficult journey.  I feel like I’m numb and can’t concentrate, focus, plan, or think clearly.  I’ve got so much to work through.”
• “God, I need time with you.  I’m reaching the edge of what I can handle.  That’s probably good because when I am weak you are strong.  I’m weak!  I feel like all I want to do is go to bed.  I am very tired.  Then tomorrow is the big memorial service.  God, I need your help even for my short sharing during the memorial service.”
• “My times with the Lord have been slipping and I miss them.  Lord, help me change that!”
• “God, help me stay close to you.  Help me I pray!  Your son, Don.”
• “God, help me to truly relax in you!  I really want and need that!”
• “Lord, I am grateful for all the preparation ahead of time which carried me through the last 10 days.  Much of the time I was numb and certainly not in much of a prayerful spirit, but I believe you are carrying me through all this nonetheless!  Thank you, Lord!”

As you can tell, this was a difficult 10-day period during which the shock of this reality seemed to immobilize me —something I never before encountered.  

The question to myself at this point is: What is God telling me through all this?  Here are two distinct things that God has laid on my heart.

The Great Value of Prior Preparation

One of my journal comments above referenced a gratitude for the “preparation ahead of time”.  I did not sense the great importance of that at the time.  But in retrospect I am seeing very clearly the awesome significance of a “prior emotional and spiritual preparation” for something like this.  Previous years of following Jesus, memorized Scriptures, and answered prayers — especially the recent promises from God — held me anchored in Jesus Christ.  

I recall 2 Chronicles 12:14 — "He [King Rehoboam] did evil because he had not set his heart on seeking the LORD.”  When Rehoboam became King after the death of his father, King Solomon, he had a great opportunity to follow the ways of God.  However he chose not to do so and made a series of bad decisions (1 Kings 12).  We are not given many details here, but I believe the inference is that because he first failed to “prepare his heart to seek God” ahead of time, when the crisis came, he failed by improperly making those critical decisions.

In our case, verses from the past and lots of time with God prior to the crisis gave us what we needed to keep going.  Beforehand, we had "set our hearts on seeking God.”  That made a difference. As I reviewed my journal entries during the days, weeks, and months prior to our grandson’s death, the value of being firmly grounded in God’s Word and properly anchored in a faith in Christ became very, very clear.  That grounding enables us to face the trials that come our way.  My heart breaks over the individual who by his actions says, “I’ll live as I please, and when I’m in trouble, God will bail me out.”  That’s about like walking onto the Olympic Quarter-Mile race track without training and asking God to help me win the race.  Life seldom works this way.  How critical it is for each of us to be closely walking with God and anchored in His love and promises, not knowing when a crisis may demand that stability.

My Feelings Must Not Define Me

Another important lesson which I think I’ve always known, but now seemed to be distinctly more real, was learning the value of feelings.  During the midst of the crisis, the feelings of being distant from God and disconnected from Him could very easily have torpedoed my walk with Him if I had allowed those feelings to define me.  

Pastor Edmund Chan, from Singapore, in a devotional to a group of his mentorees, has shared that God often uses seasons of “disconnectedness” to teach us deeper truths that we otherwise cannot know.  I believe that was happening in my case.  I’ve trusted Christ for most of my adult years — but never before in a situation like this.  It seems almost naive to say this, but I believe God allowed me to go through this session of disconnectedness simply to help me grow deeper in my understanding that God is present with me regardless of life’s circumstances.  There are many times when I do “feel” His presence and I value these times.  But these feelings alone must not define who I am or my walk with God.  I am anchored in Him and that does not change with circumstances or feelings!

In her book, Living Beyond Your Feeling— Controlling Emotions So They Don’t Control You, Joyce Meyer eloquently makes the same point.  She writes — “If we have to wait to see how we feel before we know if we can enjoy the day, then we are giving feelings control over us. But thankfully we have free will and can make decisions that are not based on feelings. If we are willing to make right choices regardless of how we feel, God will always be faithful to give us the strength to do so.  Living the good life that God has made ready for us is based on our being obedient to His way of being and doing. He gives us the strength to do what is right, but we are the ones who must choose it. God won’t do it for us.”

Feelings are important and I value them, but I am determined not to let them control or define me.  Instead I shall remain anchored in Jesus!

I’m sensing there are at least two more lessons learned during this time frame.  Keep reading. I hope to share them in the next post.

In the meantime, please know that we are beginning to thrive again!