Post # 14 -- When the Boundary Doesn't Make Sense

Let’s face it, there are times in life when the journey simply does not make sense — when there are more questions than answers and it’s difficult to understand and appreciate the boundary we’re experiencing.  In times like this, do we fret over the unanswered questions or are we able to somehow see a larger picture and trust God to have it under control?  

In our last post (Post #13) we explored what it looks like trying to appreciate “self-imposed” boundaries in our lives — limits that we have set for ourselves by following proper priorities and wise decision making.  We explored the power of Psalm 16:5-6 — ‘’Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup.  You make my lot secure.  The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places.  Surely I have a delightful inheritance.” 

I’ve defined a “boundary” (for me, at least) to be a “limit” or “fence” within which I feel the pleasure of God, but whenever I step outside that limit I potentially step into murky waters and reap a natural consequence of some sort for doing so.  

The focus of this present post is to go one step further and explore the dynamics of boundaries imposed by an outside source over which I have no control and to ask the question: to what extent can I truly appreciate this kind of boundary — and thrive in the midst of chaos and unanswered questions.  I’m talking about unpleasant situations like an unexpected layoff due to a corporate downsizing or the permanent pain caused by a drunk driver or encountering a serious disease acquired via some unknown source or reason.

First off, I apologize in advance.  This post could get long.  I’m sensing there’s a lot to share.

In my case, as you know by now, my commanding boundary defining much of my journey these days is my friend, Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis (IPF) — idiopathic, meaning caused by an unknown source. I’m often asked during initial pulmonary medical screenings: “Are you now or have you in the past smoked cigarettes?”  Honestly, I’ve never had even a puff.  I did not cause this IPF and have no idea what caused it. There seems to be some indication that it might be caused by rheumatoid arthritis — but that’s not clear and we have no idea what caused that. The dots simply do not connect.  I consider this a major boundary within which I’m now living — a boundary not of my making, but one that I’m attempting to appreciate.  

I invite you to walk with me on this IPF pathway.  I need to say here that I do not relish talking about myself like this, but I’m sensing that sharing my story may be of some help to others who are on a similar journey.

Let me quickly say, I’m not suggesting that God caused any of this, but I am of the conviction that He knows about it and has allowed it. He is still in control!  But that doesn’t lesson the severity of the resultant experience. 

Also I want to be clear as I continue sharing here, I’m not complaining nor am I wallowing in self-pity.  I simply want to come clean (as suggested by a friend) and be transparent with you as you walk with me. While God is clearly very present in this journey, there are days when, candidly, I’m tempted to rank this journey somewhere between a root canal and a snake bite!  Life can sometimes be tough and downright unpleasant! 

Here’s a sneak peak behind the curtain a bit as we was walk together in the reality of this medical journey.

THE CHALLENGES

Several years ago, early in the journey when the IPF symptoms were just beginning to become apparent, I vividly recall sitting peacefully by the pool at the gorgeous Ocean Gallery Condo in St. Augustine, Florida.  I was dressed to the hilt so as to be protected by the sun, as per my pulmonary doctor’s instruction to avoid sunburn due to my lung medication.  With more envy than I care to admit, I saw there on the other side of the pool numerous copper-toned bodies of people my age or older soaking up the sun and really enjoying life. I don’t recall challenging God on this, but I did observe that my experience was quite different from theirs.

During that same week in Florida, I’d cringe a bit when walking on the beach with my wife, who after a short walk, with my encouragement, would take off at what seemed to be a qualifying run for an Olympic Speed Walk, and leave Mazie (our little Shitzu dog) and me to slowly meander along the beach.  Seeing her walk the beach by herself was heart-wrenching.  And when climbing the stairs to get to our second floor condo, or when we’d go anywhere, you’d see me lagging behind several steps (or more). This boundary was beginning to feel very real.

More recently, if you are interested, here’s a handful of potholes that currently tend to mark my IPF pathway:

• Getting started every morning generally takes the grace of God.  My lungs require supplemental oxygen 24/7.  Let me first give you a brief primer on supplemental oxygen.  I have a “concentrator” machine that removes oxygen from the air and continuously sends it to me through a 50-foot tube to allow me to move around the house (the tubes that tend to get tangled around our ankles).  It also refills the oxygen tanks that I use whenever I’m away from that machine.  During a day of normal activity, I set that concentrator at a flow volume of about 3.5 lpm (liters per minute).  During the night, at the direction of the doctor, I set the flow at 2 lpm. Some mornings Marilyn is able to quickly get out of bed and go to the laundry room where the concentrator oxygen machine is located and increase the flow to 3.5 lpm that I need to start moving.  On mornings when I get out of bed before she does, I literally inch my way to the laundry room (about 35 feet from the bed) to turn the oxygen flow up to 3.5 lpm as I monitor the oximeter on my finger to be careful not to let my saturated oxygen level drop dangerously low due to the sudden increased activity.  If I fail, I can expect to spend the next 15-20 minutes in rather violent coughing.  But, hey, I’m up and moving and praising God for another “shiny new marble” (as described in Post #3).
• Then it’s the challenge to get dressed.  On any given morning this takes much more time than I care to admit — so as to allow my lungs to slowly get adjusted to increased activity after a night of rest.  Typically I go through a coughing spell of some sort as I again keep an eye on the oximeter lest my saturated oxygen level drops below the acceptable threshold.  In that case all activity ceases and I go to “pursed breathing” (strong inhale of oxygen and exhale through pursed lips).  Taking an hour or more to get dressed every morning is not my idea of the greatest way to spend the morning.
• Then it’s time for my exercise routine.  At least three days a week I spend about two hours in exercise (walking, doing back and neck exercises, lifting weights, etc). On other days it’s about one hour.  This is not my favorite activity, but I know it's important.
• But then I generally enjoy the highlight of the morning — spending some time alone with God.  That keeps me going (as I described in Post #8).
• At my pulmonologist’s direction, I limit my participation in large crowds due to being immunosuppressed. I struggle with this as I want to be around people — lots of them.  Instead I focus on simply connecting with several smaller groups of people.  Being around people sometimes is difficult.  I sit while everyone else stands to shake hands; I find myself stopping before entering a room to catch my breath and feel a bit like a non-person as all the activity goes on around me.
• I enjoy teaching and public speaking.  However my limited air in my lungs makes this difficult and tends to weaken my self-confidence. As an alternative, as I said, I’m focusing on discipling/mentoring via small groups of people and on a continued ministry through my writings.
• I watch my wife prepare to walk our dog regardless of the weather.  I am very grateful to her for all she does, but I struggle with the fact that this is something I should be doing.
• Unless the outside temperature is a perfect 70 - 80 degrees, walking outside the house for some reason is usually very difficult to do without having my oxygen level drop drastically.  Hence, I’m basically confined to the house. (We’re in the process of acquiring a mobility scooter.  This should help.)  Part of my angst is that I’m limited in connecting relationally around the neighborhood which we’ve done so much in the past.  This scooter should help with that.
• Marilyn is a great cook and loves when the folks at her table eagerly dive into her cooking.  A side effect of my lung medication has been a suppressed appetite.  She struggles with  my lack of a strong appetite and commented recently, “I think I’m losing the enjoyment of cooking”.  I struggle seeing her struggle!
• We’d love to visit our son and family in the mountains west of Denver, but can not because of the difficulty of breathing at that altitude.
• Even as I write, “life happens”.  Marilyn, my loving, faithful self-sacrificing care-giver is now nursing a broken arm which seriously limits her ability to care for me.  It’s another pothole in the current pathway of life.  
• You get the drift …

SEEING THE LARGER PICTURE

So again the key question before us is: can I truly appreciate and praise God for this IPF kind of boundary that I did not choose and do not understand?  I’ve candidly shared plenty of frustrations and doubts about all these limitations.  Can I see the larger picture and keep life in focus — and delicately tiptoe through those potholes along my pathway?  Here are some of the attitudes/activities that help me keep the larger picture in focus.

Allowing God and His Word to undergird and anchor me …

Spending time with God and His Word each day is, for me, a key to surviving and thriving in this journey.  This is when my inner person is renewed day by day (Post #5) and where I receive help in keeping my eternal perspective in focus (Post #8).  It’s where I get “centered on God” and receive His continued help and strength for the journey — so much so that my conviction grows to the point where I can truly believe that God works through our boundaries as I  personalize Psalm 16:5-6 (Post #13).  God gives me key promises on which to stand, especially when I’ve stepped into one of those potholes in the pathway of this journey.  I’ll explore those promises in a future post.

Remembering whose son I am …

I’m a son of the awesome King of the Universe (Post #9)!  Frankly I can not think of anything much better than that!  I have invited Jesus Christ into my heart, have surrendered myself to Him, and have committed to being a faithful follower of His.  As such I’m a member of a royal family and have the King’s promise that He will never leave me and and that I can anticipate eternal life with Him forever.  Money can not buy this!

Seeking to live with right attitudes …

Living with gratitude for the mountain of blessings He has given me and living to be a blessing in the lives of those around me is a big help.  It’s my choice to be grateful, to be a blessing to others, and to stay positive in my attitude through life.  That choice clearly helps me to thrive in the story that God is allowing me to write. 

Valuing relationships …

I’m well aware that when all else fails, humanly speaking, it’s the people around us that make the difference,  I am committed to staying in touch with the many friends who understand me and my situation and are committed to care for me.  Chief among these relationships is my immediate family whom I deeply love, and especially my relationship with a supportive wife.  I delight in quiet dinners with her on the deck. Quiet discussions with her thrill my heart.

Continuing to dream …

I’m a visionary who loves to start new things.  I pray I’ll never lose that desire.  My projects may change in nature and scope, but the dynamic remains.  Looking into the future energizes me and helps me thrive. 

Having fun …

I am committed to taking my life less seriously, to have fun, and to find joy in the life God is allowing me to live.  I love Rachel Martin’s quote here — “Sometimes you have to let go of the  picture you thought it would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are actually living”.

Committing to trust God no matter what …

I am inspired by the faith of the three Hebrew young men of Daniel 3 who, when ordered by the king to worship the idol, responded, “If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God whom we serve is able to save us.  But even if he doesn’t, we want to make it clear to you, Your Majesty, that we will never serve your gods or worship the gold statue you have set up” (Daniel 3: 17-18).  By faith, I’m choosing to continue to believe with passion that in all things God works for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28) and that I will experience God’s delightful inheritances that will go way beyond what I can see or think.  Kay Arthur’s words ring true — “God is in control, and therefore in everything I can give thanks — not because of the situation, but because of the One who directs and rules over it.”  

THE DELIGHTFUL INHERITANCES

When David observed the boundary lines falling in pleasant places (Psalm 16:5-6), he also rejoiced in the resultant “delightful inheritances”.  Can I do the same?  I certainly can!  Let me identify a few blessings I’m enjoying.

Enhanced closeness to God and His Word …

I think I can say with great confidence that I’m enjoying a greater closeness to God and His Word than I’ve ever experienced before.  Though my “outer self” might be “wasting away”, my “inner self” is being “renewed day by day” (2 Cor 4:16-18).  I look forward to my time alone with Jesus each day to discover how my inner self will be “renewed”. 

Even deeper love for and intimacy with Marilyn …

I truly enjoy being with her.  I look forward to our nightly time of lying beside each other in bed, interacting over the day and then praying together — she prays one night and me the next, and so on.  All this is after I’ve messaged her feet with lotion for a bit — which I’m actually beginning to enjoy.

Ability to encourage others from this journey …

God has wired me with a heart to want to see others develop and grow in their relationship with God.  That brings me joy and self-fulfillment.  Writing this blog as I journey from a survival mentality to a lifestyle of thriving has brought new meaning to my own journey.  Thank you for allowing me to share.

Enhanced eternal perspective …

I’ve always believed in heaven.  However, it’s clear to me that with the IPF experience has come a heightened focus on the afterlife and a greater ability to process the current potholes on the journey with an eternal perspective.  The future is now more meaningful, but so also is the present!

More gratitude and appreciation for what I already have …

I’m clearly more grateful for things I’ve generally taken for granted.  Things like a new day (my “shiny new marble”), ability to breathe, sunshine, rain, relationships, etc, etc.

Lots of concerned friends …

We’ve always had lots of friends.  Many are now expressing great concern for me and my medical journey.  I find that very uplifting and encouraging.

LOOKING AHEAD

This brings us again to the original question I’m asking myself — to what extent can I thank and praise God for this IPF boundary — and thrive in the midst of chaos and unanswered questions?  

To be honest, I’m still processing that question.  As I observe how this IPF disease impacts those closest to me, it’s difficult to “appreciate” the actual IPF disease itself.  As Marilyn has said, “This IPF disease is evil!”  In fact, I’m not sure that God even expects us to praise Him for the actual disease.  We are choosing to follow 1 Thess 5:16 which admonishes us “to give thanks in all things”.  We are not told to give thanks for all things.

However, as I review the delightful inheritances that have emerged so far from this IPF journey, I can definitely thank God for all that has come out of this journey and can identify with the psalmist David when he writes in Psalm 119:71 — “My suffering was good for me, for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees.”  In a similar fashion, my personal words would be — “My IPF journey was good for me, for it helped me to become more of the man God desires me to be than I would have otherwise enjoyed”.

As I’ve said before, I don’t know what the future holds, but I know who holds the future.  This awareness, based on faith and the promises of God, helps me thrive in the toughest of times and keeps me going.  

Again this morning I was encouraged by Carroll Roberson singing “One Pair of Hands”.  Enjoy it with me.

I am determined that when any boundary doesn’t make sense and there are no answers, I shall quit trying to figure it out and simply put my trust in that one pair of hands — hands of a good, gracious and faithful Father who promises to carry me and care for me when I can no longer care for myself and those around me.  When cradled in that pair of hands, even in the midst of chaos and unanswered questions, I can thrive!